And speaking of pain…you know what can hurt?  Kids.  They have the unique ability to break your heart like nothing and nobody else can. Can I get an amen, anybody!?  As moms, we seem invincible to them.   If we’ve done our jobs, they know that we love them unconditionally–no matter what they say or do, we will love them.  As Cameron said today, we are their “safe place”.  But what they can’t understand yet, is the pain we feel when they hurt us.  I think it’s rarely intentional, they don’t mean to hurt, but their disobedience, or bad choices, or harsh words, cut like a sword. (Prov 12:18)  Cut.  Like a sword.  Like deep, painful wounds.  Soul crushing pain. Ripping your heart out in a rough and painful manner.  Are we clear yet?

I so badly just want to fast forward  5-7 years from now because I’m confident that “He who began a good work, is faithful to complete”(Phil 1:6) but I can’t… I must endure the hardships of motherhood…a little while longer?? Forever? Does it ever get easy?? Will it kill me before it makes me stronger???  James said “Consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds…they come so that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, that you might be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)

Pure joy?  Instead of crying my eyes out? More like while crying my eyes out.   I know, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW  that God understands with intimate detail the things that keep me up at night. He’s not surprised, He’s not scared. Nothing is hidden from him.  He is still sovereign,still good, still holy, still jealous for me, and He will never ever leave me.    I pray daily for wisdom and perspective.  Wisdom so I will say and do the things that honor him and teach my kids, and perspective to know that what I see in the immediate, isn’t the end…that God is still actively working in me and in my kids to give me a future and a hope. (Jer 29:13)

Maybe I should pray the same things for my physical health and well-being–wisdom to know when to put the Twizzlers away (and don’t go back and get them 10 minutes later!) and perspective–one mess up today doesn’t mean complete failure for the rest of my life.  Perspective can be a powerful thing–I may have to meditate on “perspective” and right a whole blog post of that topic.

In keeping with that idea, today I’m exploring the idea of offering up EVERYTHING as an offering to God.

Romans 12:1,2 says “And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (New Living Translation)

The Message Bible says it like this: “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life-your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life-and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.”

Your everyday, ordinary life.  An offering.  So everything I do, work, work out, sleeping, eating, every interaction, is an offering to God.  From experience, I’ll tell you what that means to me.  Part of that is just being mindful of my relationship with God ALL day, during ALL parts of my day.  and  I have to avoid compartmentalizing.  “this is God time” and “this is ME time” –these 2 thoughts should never co-exist.  and I should avoid justifying…”I spent a lot of time with God this morning, so it’s ok to watch Jersey Shore later today”—uh…no.

I’m not good at this. I fail everyday. But my love for God and my desire to please Him brings me back every time I stray.  The rest of the verse says:

Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Amen to all that.

I’m one of those people who you can read like a book. If I’m happy, you’ll know it. If I’m confused, it’s written all over my face. If I’m mad, oh yeah, you’ll know it. That’s a good thing, right? I’m true. I’m real. I’m authentic. I’m transparent.

But I think it’s not always good. I know that sometimes when I’m angry–just for illustration purposes, let’s say I’m mad at my teenaged son–it does NOT help the situation for me to show anger. It communicates disapproval and disappointment. Which maybe I am, but my feelings are not the issue that needs to be dealt with or focused on. I read this several weeks ago and it stuck with me, even though I’m having trouble putting it into practice.

The anger of a parent confronted with a child’s poor choice shifts the focus from the child’s bad behavior to the parent’s angry response. Replace anger with empathy and see what happens. Responding to disobedience with empathy rather than anger is difficult, but the reward is great.

from Day 3 of the Parenting by Design devo on YouVersion.

Right. Empathy. Right. So….how exactly does that look?!

Mom: Well, hello, son. I see you are 20 minutes later than you said you’d be.

Son: Oh…sorry.

Mom (Option 1): Sorry?!? You’re sorry!?! You better be because I’ve been sitting here waiting and now I’m going to be really tired tomorrow! You bet you’re sorry, because now you’re grounded!!

Mom (Option 2): I can see that. I’m sorry that you couldn’t make it when we asked. Next time you go out you will have to make up that time. You’ll have to come home 20 minutes earlier than normal.

Yeah, I can see that would be a better response for parents who set firm rules and consequences (which we SUCK at). And also I know that…

human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:20 NIV)

Now I just have to figure out how to either not be mad–or hide it convincingly. Probably the former is more effective, although more difficult to achieve. Only complete reliance on God can bring about a miracle of this magnitude.

I decided to take advantage of Lent season and “give up” something.  It’s not the same as a fast, is it?  I don’t know. Maybe if the outcome is the same.  Lent is a time to prepare your heart for Easter with reflection, repentance, and prayer.  The focus is not on depriving yourself of something ,though, as much as it is on devoting yourself to God and his purposes.

So, I’m giving up 2 things–seems like the same 2 things I always have to “give up” when I’m needing a spiritual boost…my 2 biggest vices.  Watching tv/movies on my mobile device, and sweets.

The first 3 days were torturous.  As I look back, though, things had gotten WAAAAY out of hand.   Candy, cupcakes, milkshakes…with reckless abandon.   I have no self control apparently.  No self moderation.  I’m disgusting.  And as for the other vice, let’s just say that any “spare” time, was filled.

Now I’m on day 11.  and I’ve cheated…not on the watching, but on the eating.   I think self-control is a myth.  What’s better?  oooooo, it feels like I know the answer to this question, but have, somehow, forgotten it.  What works better than self control?  Is there a better alternative? Is it the “self” or the “control” that needs to change?

As with all of the other times, I hope this temporary deprivation creates a habit–a new reality where I embrace moderation in everything— except my time with God.   Because I need God in large doses–His power, His wisdom, His peace.  Without Him I am a total wreck.   May I be a slave to Christ only.

Someone asked me “How will you deal with temptation?” The answer…hmmm…lots of ways probably.  Pray. Resolve. God. Knowing that its for a higher purpose. Go to bed early.  Eat lots of fruit.  It’s a different feeling than a diet–a different level of commitment.  A different person I’ve committed to, so the temptation is easier to handle.

I know that I want a breakthrough and if I continue to sacrifice the immediate desire for food, I will get the longer lasting, farther reaching benefits that God has to offer me.

The bonus is that it happens to be really healthy for my body too.  Other than eating about 1/2 the protein I normally would, I’m eating nothing BUT healthy. and maybe a little TOO much fiber.

But again, you crave what you consume. This concept applies to much more than just food, although it certainly applies to food.  The more of God I consume, the more I crave.  The more time in God’s word, the more I realize it really is better than life. Psalm 63:3

I was laying in bed trying to sleep (on my back) and I started wondering about change.  You see, I was a Stomach Sleeper and a few years ago I realized that sleeping on my stomach was BAD.   Someone told me.  It gives you wrinkles on your face.   Flattens your breasts.   Hurts your back.   Whatever, I heard lots of stories, lots of reasons.   My chiropractor confirmed it.   So, I decided to change.   I would become a Back Sleeper.  I just made up my mind and that was that.  Right?  Ha.

Turns out, it’s very very hard to change the way you sleep.  I would toss and turn, and flip and turn, until I finally went to sleep on my back.  and then I would wake up on my stomach…with a lower back ache.   Finally, after months and months, I finally got used to it and proudly called myself a Back Sleeper!  That is until about a week ago.  Once again, I find myself turning and flipping again….fighting the back sleeping, waking up with a sore lower back.

I know, this seems all very mundane…not the tragic tale I think it is when I’m struggling to sleep in the middle of the night–fighting the urge to flip over.  But, it’s made me think about change.  Am I a Stomach Sleeper who sleeps on my back?  or can I one day call myself a Back Sleeper?

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post.   So can I be a regular blogger, and then just stop? If I only write things occasionally, am I not a regular blogger?  That’s not who I am anymore?  I used to be angry a lot.  Angry.  Now it takes a lot to get me angry.  Oh sure, I still get mad sometimes, but that’s not who I am anymore.

I know 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that once we go from depending on ourselves, to depending on Christ, we become a new creation or a new person.  At this hour of the night, I’m really not sure what that has to do with how I sleep…

You see, this is why I don’t write much anymore…I have thoughts, but no way to wrap them up neatly.  So, I’m going back to bed now…to sleep on my back….peacefully.   I suppose it would be a good idea to depend on Christ to help me with that.

Night.

This year started with a 21 day fast , go here for a summary of how that went.  Turns out that was a really good way to start a year out.    No doubt, I’ll be doing that again in 2011. (I’m actually 16 days into it right now!)

• Sold fireworks for the 4th of July in Louisiana (great time with family and precious friends!)
• went to the beach in Florida for a fantastic family vacation (paid cash)
• paid off a car (that’s the last time we’ll ever NOT pay cash for a car–car pymts suck!)
• my firstborn started driving–this is exciting, nerve-racking, and time-saving all at the same time
• bought a car with cash for the first time ever (well, we matched Cory’s contribution and he bought a car with cash)
• ran my first 5K.  and my 2nd. and my 3rd. and my 4th.  I’m officially addicted to running now.
• started learning how to play the guitar–something I always wanted to do, and now I can
• lost a beloved member of our family, Lucky dog
• got 2 new puppies–it remains to be seen if this was a positive or negative move.  on the one hand, we’re missing Lucky less, on the other, training starts all over and lasts longer than I care to think about
• started a new job–same place, new position

It was a busy and productive year and I’m already making goals for 2011.  Blogging more is one goal.  jeesh, last year was pitiful in the blogging department.  How else am I supposed to keep track of what I do?!?

Other goals:

Get my own guitar–Cory’s generously loaning me one of his right now

Learn how to make movies in iMovie–I’ve started this, but my first one was incredibly lame

My marriage is going to be the best it’s been in 20 years!

This is why I’m conflicted. I can’t find a happy medium.  It’s all or nothing.  I asked God to help me temper my response to what He is showing me.  Really?   Really?  He was not amused by that request.

What I meant was to help me NOT be a wet blanket to those around me.  Can I do this Christmas with love, joy, encouragement and still be less focused on the materialism of the thing?

OH YES I CAN.  In fact, I’ve realized that if I focus more on what I’m for, instead of what I’m against, then my joy is revealed.  Yep.  Have I ever mentioned that I’m a slow learner?  Duh.

I think if I spent less time thinking, life would be simpler.  Nevertheless….

Now I just have to figure out exactly what I am for.  What I do know, is that this year there will be more Christmas music.  More holiday baking.  More decorations, lights, Christmas movies.  Still not more shopping, but more time enjoying the traditions that involve family, friends, and Jesus.

After Christmas last year, Cameron said “It just didn’t feel like Christmas”.    My bad.

This year I’m reading the Rediscovering Christmas reading plan on YouVersion (actually I’m reading it on my mobile device)  It includes reflection questions and action steps to center each day on Christ.  Which is awesome.

So what are you expecting from this season?  What are you preparing for?  The very first Christmas changed EVERYTHING.  Why does this Christmas have to be any different?    That’s what I’m expecting.

AND I watched the Advent Conspiracy video. Here is one of them (there are a few).  Be careful, it’ll mess you up.

News can be true, based on truth and mostly true, or just false.  I think that’s why I choose to avoid news programs…because news can be twisted or manipulated to fit into a story or slant, and I just don’t know what to believe.   I’m not typically a skeptical person, either…so I don’t know where this comes from.   I feel the same way about history—it’s told by PEOPLE who are PEOPLE–with flaws and biases.    Can we ever hear news or history in it’s truest form, or is it always an interpretation by the teller?   I always tell my kids to consider that when they are reading and studying history in school…I’m sure their teachers would love that idea.

Anyway…I was thinking about all of the recent natural disasters and tragedies and depravity that so many say point to the fact that we are living in the “end times”.   Is it really worse than it’s ever been?  Or do we just hear about it and SEE pictures and video of disaster in a more dramatic way than ever before?   I hear stories about the “perverse” things that man is doing today (2 Tim 3 describes what people will be like in the “last days”) and think back to bible stories in the Old and New Testament  of what people were like thousands of years ago.    In Genesis, God wiped out everyone but Noah and his family because the people had become so corrupt.  and then what about the Romans that Paul was talking about in Romans 1:18-32?  Are we really that much worse NOW?

Honestly, I don’t know the answers.  Either way, I’m ready. If Christ comes back today, I’m ready.  If He tarries, I’m ready to continue worshiping Him alone and encouraging others into a deeper, authentic relationship with God.   Whatever it takes.

What do you think?  Are we living in the end times the bible talks about?  Do you think about it?  Does it affect the way you live today?