18 Nov

The Art of Judging

Posted by carikelley in Bible stuff, life.

I’m a judger.  I don’t wanna be.  But as I struggle to sort out my thoughts and feelings about certain things, then finally determine a stance on a certain issue, there is always going to be another side.  If I’ve reasoned rationally, then I have decided NOT to choose one side for a really good reason…this is the side I tend to judge.  I don’t know how not too.  I think as I’m trying to stand firm in my decision, I have to keep reminding myself why what I have chosen is right–is best.  Therefore…what’s the opposite of right?  or best?  wrong.  worst. Right?

I know it’s confusing when I try to speak in generalities.  But, I’m going to avoid the topic that is weighing heavy on me right now and use something easy to try to explain better.   Let’s go with something like….tanning beds. K?

So, for example, I’ve decided that tanning beds are bad for me, then how would I feel when someone told me that frequent tanning beds?    Would feelings of judgment flood my mind?  I would be thinking…”how can they do that to their skin!?”  Leathery, pumpkin faces.  Ow, harsh judgment.  Name calling.  I’m brutal, apparently.

But, you see the problem.  Does everyone do this or is it easier for some people to accept all angles?

Romans 8:1 says “So now there is NO condemnation in Christ.”    none. Experiment time.  I’m going to pray this verse every day and ask God to show me what grace looks like here.

Thoughts?  Input?  Anybody?

15 Nov

This year will be different…Yippee!!

Posted by carikelley in Thoughts, feelings and random panic, life.

Why do I dread the holidays?  Why?  Is it the extra “tasks” that make me feel overwhelmed or inadequate?  Is it the way they are driven in every way by consumerism?

When I was a kid, my mom and dad made a big deal out of the holidays.  All of them.  Easter, Valentines Day, Christmas, Halloween.  And most were gift giving occasions.   Those are happy memories.  so, why do I now have such an aversion?  It’s not even Thanksgiving yet, and I’m already starting to feel the anxiety of the H word.

Walking through any store, I glance around at the ridiculous things that I could spend money on.   Last year, I wasn’t strong enough to rebel and just say no.  I even blogged about it. I got swept along in the flow of the holidays and did what I was “supposed” to do.  But this year will be different.  It will.  I’ve posted my resolve on my facebook page and I’m shouting it from my blog.  My sweet precious daughter is with me right now, sitting on the arm of my chair, and we’ve been talking about it for almost an hour.  It’s done.  She’ll hold me accountable, that’s for sure.  She doesn’t mince words.

So, here it is.  http://www.charitywater.org/

If you are on my Christmas list, you’re getting water.  Technically, you won’t actually get it, someone else will.  It’ll be someone who doesn’t deserve to drink dirty water…they were just born in a developing country, in a village with no water source.  Hopefully it’ll be a mom who hands her child a cup filled with contaminated water that she just walked miles to get, and says “drink” and then prays her child doesn’t get sick.

In America, we use more than 150 gallons of water a day, per person.  Drinking, showering, flushing the toilet, laundry, etc…all of it clean water.  In some developing countries,  a person will struggle to find 5 gallons a day.

So…sorry you won’t be getting that tube of hand lotion from me this year.  or that Garfield Chia Pet.    I might, however, hand you a water bottle filled with dirty water to remind you of your gift though…wouldn’t that be, ummm….crass?  a little less than delicate?   I really need to find some way to find balance.

and by the way, if you want to know what to get me for Christmas…I think you can figure it out.

14 Nov

Push it, push it, to the limit, limit

Posted by carikelley in Thoughts, feelings and random panic, life.

I’m so tired.  So, so very tired.  It’s already been a crazy weekend and Saturday’s barely half over.  I have 5 blog posts (5!), half-finished and no more brain power to make them make sense.   I’m currently unable to move from this chair.  I physically can’t move.   I’ve considered calling 911 a couple of times and then figured it really isn’t an emergency unless I HAD to move, i.e. the house was on fire; but, then, I’d be calling 911 for the fire anyway and so,… what was I saying?  Oh yeah, I can’t move. Everything is tired.  My feet are still killing me from wearing cowboy boots for hours last night–including dancing the Cotton Eyed Joe in front of hundreds.    I’m such a “good sport”.  bless me.  My fingers are even sore, but I can’t think of why they would be…

I worked for several hours Friday AND Saturday at my mom’s garbage, I mean garage sale.  Cam made about $20, Shelly (who was selling last weeks garage sale rejects and wasn’t even there) made around $50, my mom made well over $1000, and I took home a whopping $5.  Have I mentioned how much I despise garage sales?  I’m very happy for my mom, and we did get to spend a good deal of time together, but…never again.  Never.  Last night was fun at the Big Show at LifeChurch.tv, our annual volunteer appreciation party–this was the boot wearing occasion.  AND I’m due to be at church in less than 2 hours for the evening and then back tomorrow for work.  Oh, and I cleaned out the shed and cleaned up and “winterized”  the backyard.

So, I’m wondering…who will buy groceries?  Who’ll put away my laundry?  and I NEED coffee creamer…the peppermint mocha kind, and I’m afraid it’s gonna be all gone.  The stores gonna sell it all to other people who’ve already gotten their grocery shopping done. :(   Oh, dear.  I can tell when I start lamenting over things like coffee creamer, that it’s time to step back…reevaluate and rest.

I bet all you moms out there know what I’m probably gonna do.  Same thing you do. As soon as I finish here and hit “publish”, or when my laptop battery dies, whichever comes first, I’m going to get up, get dressed, put on makeup, put away my laundry, and push through…Push through feelings of tired.  Push through pain.  Push through whatever else I’ve got going on.  And we do it because we know we have to.  That whatever happens or however we feel, we’ve got people that depend on us…and it’s not in us to let them down.

I wonder if that’s sort of what Jesus meant when He said we have to “die to self”.  I’m gonna go look that up, later.

We moms are the best.  So…here goes nothing. :)

2 Nov

My Eulogy-second attempt

Posted by carikelley in Bible stuff, My Testimony, Thoughts, feelings and random panic, life.

So, what will they say about me when I’m gone?  and when I say “they”, I mean my family, my friends, my kids, everyone.  Wow, that’s an overwhelming thought.  Maybe because they wouldn’t all say the same thing exactly.

I don’t know how to start, so I’ll just start…probably in the middle.

Cari’s not here anymore. She’s in a better place. Nope, no cliches. Right now, as we stand/sit looking at all of these beautiful flowers, drinking in their fragrant aroma (I hope the irony here is not lost on you), she is sitting at the feet of Jesus worshipping Him and breathing deep His fragrant Spirit.  Experiencing, for the first time, the smell of grass, flowers, fall, and babies. (OK, maybe we’ll leave out the part about the smelling…I haven’t landed on anything for certain yet.) Moving on…

At some point in her life, Cari, (“they” will say my name alot, because I like that) found herself following Jesus, but she was so far away from Him, she could barely see to follow.  It’s hard to follow someone when you can’t see them.  So, Cari prayed.  It was awkward and disconnected, but she prayed and kept on praying.  Begging God to come closer.  Begging Him to give her a hunger and desire for Him and His Word, the Bible.  God answered Cari, probably with tears of joy and relief and thankfulness in His eyes.  ”Of course”, He said.

So, God came closer.  Close enough for Cari to see and follow.  She found peace and comfort in His closeness.   Cari fell in love with God’s words…she ate them up.   God began to speak to her through His word and she found that all she wanted was to know God better.  So, she prayed some more–praying God’s words back to Him.  Praying for the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that she might know God better. Eph 1:17 Nothing else** mattered more than Knowing God and sharing His Love.

**We’re always idealistic at funerals (or memorials), so we won’t talk about my weaknesses or character flaws.  (Those all seem to fade from memory once a person passes anyway–thank goodness.)  We’re gonna pretend that “nothing else” isn’t an exaggeration. :)

So, go eat some cake, seek to truly know God,  and don’t forget to grab a lock of Cari’s hair on your way out. That’s gross, I’m just kidding.  Not about the cake part, just the hair.

I know there’s some big chunks missing in all of this, but it’s harder than you’d think.  I’m not finished yet.

31 Oct

Silence, Please

Posted by carikelley in Bible stuff, Thoughts, feelings and random panic, life.

In a state of deep reflection

Trying to sort out feelings, thoughts, opinions, ideals

If only I could silence the noise and distractions long enough to sort it out

If I don’t, the opportunity is lost forever–slipping through the cracks made by noise

Meditate, concentrate on these things for long enough, revelation comes

Beautiful Revelation, the kind the only come from the Spirit…like a bright light

25 Oct

My eulogy–first attempt

Posted by carikelley in Thoughts, feelings and random panic, life.

I’ve decided to write my own eulogy, pronounced u-googaly, if you’ve seen Zoolander.  If you read my post here, you’ll remember that I was contemplating what people say about loved ones when they die.   Dead people are always perfect blessings.  Their flaws are forgotten and their gifts and attributes are magnified. Is this just human nature?   I can kind of understand why we do it, but am I the only one who worries at funerals about what people will say about me when I die?  Could I possibly deserve such high praise?

First, I need to mention a couple of things…lay a foundation, if you will.  This will be a memorial service/celebration.  There will be no casket, no body to view, and no people all dressed in black.  Wear your everyday clothes, people,  I mean it.   I’ll be toasted and scattered in a pretty, quiet wooded area somewhere.   I’d sure love it if there were GOBS of flowers at this memorial event, but I’m kinda frugal, and I know that flowers can be EXPENSIVE, so I’ll be flexible on this point.  You can even have the thing outside in the aforementioned wooded area if the weather’s nice.

So, what will they say?    Oh my, this is harder than I thought.  I’m staring at this blinking cursor, with no idea how to start.

22 Oct

What kind of music is God’s favorite?

Posted by carikelley in Bible stuff, kids.

I walked by Cory’s room the other night and heard the most awful noise coming from his room.   The guttural screaming was almost unbearable to these 40 year old ears.  Does my child actually enjoy listening to scream-o music?  What have I done??  I’ve failed as a parent.  just kidding. but, really…it’s awful.

I knocked on his door and went in to sit on his bed.  I joked a little about his music choice. Actually, truth be told, I asked him where he got that “devil music”.  ha.  it was a joke.  He didn’t appreciate it.  He insisted that it was “Christian” music, and I laughed and said “how would you know?  you can’t even understand them”.

A couple of minutes later, he called me over to the computer–he wanted me to read the lyrics of the song he’d been listening to.  Here they are, from August Burns Red.

Pretty good stuff.  If you’d like to actually hear them, here’s the link to the song on youtube. Click and listen if you dare.

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken. Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.


So, sorry, Cory.    I suppose any music style that praises God and speaks to believers is something I can’t argue with.   Just please don’t make me listen to it, k?  Love ya, bud!

21 Oct

Cont’d, book review–sort of

Posted by carikelley in Bible stuff.

A couple more things that struck me about the families in Mistaken Identity. Thoughts about dealing with adversity, and living up to expectations, and speaking highly of the dead…

  • They knew where there strength came from–the family that was preparing for the funeral–with an overwhelming amount of painful tasks to do in just a couple of days–took 2 full hours each day to worship God, read scripture and pray together before they faced the day.  2 hours!  No, they did NOT have time to do it, but they took the time (at their oldest daughters insistence) and they did more in the remaining hours of the day then they could have w/o being firmly planted in the Lord’s presence.
  • God is in the whisper–When Whitney (the only surviving student in the accident) had recovered, everyone said to her “Oh, God, must have BIG plans for you”.  It scared her to think that now the expectation for her life was unrealistic.   Somebody shared with her the story of Elijah in I Kings 19.  While Elijah was waiting for God, there was an earthquake, but God was not in the earthquake.  Then there came a fire, but God was not in the fire.  Then there came a gentle whisper–and there God was.  So, she reasoned, why couldn’t she bring God glory in the gentle whispers of her life.  It doesn’t have to be some GRAND extravagant gesture…but just being faithful and obedient in a quiet way is enough.

**Short side note that will likely make me sound like a callous jerk–but is NOT meant that way at all!–Why do people always talk about the deceased, esp. children, as if they were saints or angels?  I’m sure it’s probably something in our human nature that death causes us to see the lives of those that have died in a overly positive light.   But reading some glowing description of the deceased usually takes me down a road of self-evaluation, i.e., what would people say about me?  what would I say about my children?  And usually I come up short.  and so do my children.    I’m just sayin’ that I hate reading about dead perfect children.  Why doesn’t God ever take home some of the naughty children?  Ok, I think I’ve crossed a line and I need to stop.  Maybe I am a callous jerk.  yikes.

20 Oct

Book review–sort of

Posted by carikelley in Bible stuff.

I just took a car trip, which usually means I just finished a book.  My last 2 trips I read the Shack and most of Crazy Love.  This time it just happened to be a book that my mom had with her.  She finished Mistaken Identity while we were in Colorado, so I read it on the drive home.  In case you’re unfamiliar, the book chronicles 2 families whose college age daughters were in a horrific car accident together.  One lives, one dies, but the rescue team got them mixed up at the scene.  So one family buries their daughter and the other begins a 5 week journey of survival and rehab—and then they have to switch places. I have had a couple or 3 thoughts rolling around in my head since…I need to share.

  • Scripture–both families are already strong Christ followers when the accident occurs.   Every thought, choice, and action is rooted in scripture and an unshakable faith in the Lord.  The pages were filled with verse after verse of comfort, peace, understanding, salvation, hope…and that’s the kind of thing that does not just happen over night.  This was a foundation that was laid long before this devastating accident.  It reminds me to prepare.  Tragedy, trauma, or at least sadness, is inevitable in this life.  I want to have as much of God’s word in my heart and mind as possible, so that when adversity comes, I will have the tools and weapons to fight, heal, or overcome.
  • forgiveness--when asked if they were angry and would pursue legal action (after the mistake was discovered) both families modeled true forgiveness in a way that the world rarely gets to see.  The dad of  Laura (the girl who died) was asked if the family would seek restitution, he replied “I’ve been forgiven of worse, how can I not forgive this mistake”.  The media tried to provoke a response–they responded with love.  It was beautiful.

There’s more…I’m saving it for tomorrow…or the next day, though. :)

20 Oct

me…the guest blogger

Posted by carikelley in blogging.

again!

I was featured as a guest on Swerve again.  Remember my first time…here?  This time it’s not so….challenging.  Still, I wanted to share.

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